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Piers Morgan is known for a lot of things - infamously running The Daily Mirror, hosting a variety of reality shows and his own CNN program, winning The Celebrity Apprentice, and generally being a contentious blowhard whose parents named him "Piers" instead of "Pierce" for some reason. But lately his main gig (aside from hosting a morning show) has been getting into feuds online with a variety of people - all because he couldn't stop himself from trying to battle JK Rowling (who has been on a roast-spree this year). And, for the most part, he is just constantly getting completely owned online. J.K. Rowling Let's start with the most relevant and ill-advised feud Piers Morgan has waded into lately: one with universally-beloved author and philanthropist J.K. Rowling. An incredibly smart move to pick a fight with someone who has donated so much money to charity that she lost her status as a billionaire, Piers. The recent spat got started with JK Rowling publicly celebrating a?previous?Piers Morgan own - with Morgan on an episode of Bill Maher's show saying Trump in fact did?not?sign an Executive Order with the intention of banning certain Muslims from entering the US and comedian Jim Jeffries telling him to "fuck off": Yes, watching Piers Morgan being told to fuck off on live TV is *exactly* as satisfying as I'd always imagined. https://t.co/4FII8sYmIt -- J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017 Some important notes here: JK Rowling didn't even tweet at Piers Morgan's Twitter handle, nor was she the one brutally owning him on television. So Piers really didn't HAVE to respond to her in any way - but he (for some reason) decided it would be a smart move for him to start a feud with the best-selling author since Shakespeare, responding that he's never even READ Harry Potter! This is why I've never read a single word of Harry Potter. https://t.co/XUJBMs4KKm -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 11, 2017 Piers' attempt at "owning" JK Rowling here is pretty stupid for a lot of reasons - he's claiming that he never read Harry Potter in the past because he knew the author would one day tweet about how satisfying it would be to watch him get publicly humiliated in February 2017? What?! Rowling tweeted to him about the logical insanity of his failed burn: Because you had a premonition that one day the author would roar with laughter at seeing you called out for your bullshit on live TV? https://t.co/8rkKSqJTnG -- J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017 And as if she hadn't dragged him enough at this point, she rubbed a littttttle extra salt on the wound to make sure Piers would know to not mess with her: #StillHurts pic.twitter.com/28rUHy2McC -- J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) February 11, 2017 Hint: it did not work. 2. His Own Son As if it wasn't enough to get raked online by attempting (and failing) to take on JK Rowling, Piers Morgan's own son - Spencer - has taken sides in the feud...seemingly in favor of JK Rowling, as he tweeted this after Rowling's initial tweet about Morgan's Bill Maher appearance: Well this is awkward @piersmorgan @jk_rowling pic.twitter.com/OHhkj8TWlM -- Spencer Morgan (@spencermorgan93) February 11, 2017 So - Spencer has a tattoo of the Deathly Hallows from Harry Potter, but no tattoo of Piers Morgan's face? Sounds like he's firmly in Rowling's camp in this feud, especially when he followed it up in the next few days with these: ?????? pic.twitter.com/rs9xVs93Xv -- Spencer Morgan (@spencermorgan93) February 13, 2017 One more can't hurt, can it? @piersmorgan pic.twitter.com/sKQ17bw5bp -- Spencer Morgan (@spencermorgan93) February 15, 2017 To his credit, Piers Morgan seems to be (I think) taking this with good humor, responding with angry emojis at his son (with whom he?seems?to have a pretty decent relationship, based on their Twitter history, which is mostly full of football discussion): 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 https://t.co/eekVgMpYrC -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017 Still, it's gotta sting to have your own son throw his allegiance behind the lady you're trying to battle online. 3. A Guy Who Is Tweeting Literally All of Harry Potter At Him, Line by Line Here's the real problem in running afoul of the author of the most beloved modern fantasy series ever - she's got A LOT of fans and they are VERY DEDICATED. How dedicated? Well, beyond the normal, insane amount of people tweeting angrily at Piers Morgan on a daily basis, he now has to contend with someone tweeting the entirety of the first Harry Potter book at him: .@piersmorgan Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to saythat they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. -- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017 .@piersmorgan ?They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious..2/32567 -- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017 .@piersmorgan because they just didn't hold with such nonsense. 3/32567 -- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 11, 2017 That's the Big Green Bookshop, a book store in London, that has been sending 140-characters-or-less bits of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone tweets at Piers Morgan for several days now, and should finish (by their own calculations) at around 32k tweets. For his part, Piers Morgan is NOT happy about this (but seemingly hasn't blocked them yet for some reason): So @Biggreenbooks is tweeting me an entire Harry Potter book because I'm a 'twat'. This, of course, just makes him an even bigger twat. -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 13, 2017 Jeez. It can't all be as bad as this surely? https://t.co/rxxMv14w7q -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017 Jesus. This is such garbage. https://t.co/05V50wLMpj -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) February 15, 2017 But for all of his complaining and feigned indifference, he was PRETTY QUICK to correct Big Green Bookshop when they started tweeting lines from the wrong Harry Potter book... .@piersmorgan picked up the wrong book didn't I? Rookie mistake. ..hang on. How did you know that? -- Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) February 15, 2017 Which leads us to the person who is truly responsible for Piers Morgan getting dunked on all the time... 4. Himself So a few days had gone by since JK Rowling trounced him online, and Piers Morgan was itching to get back at her - he just needed the right opportunity. Then came February 14th - JK Rowling was simply tweeting out a nice message "someone" had sent her for Valentine's Day, a snippet from an article praising her and her work: Just been sent this! Could the writer let me know who he is? I'd love to thank him!?#Valentines?pic.twitter.com/OQtbxPD6AL -- J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling)?February 14, 2017 Piers, ever dismissive of Rowling's politics and now looking for an excuse to attack her, jumped on the opportunity - calling Rowling's tweet a "humblebrag" and ripping into her for being so boastful. Priceless?#humblebrag?BS. Nobody plays the celebrity game more abusively or ruthlessly than you, Ms 'Intensely Private Billionaire'.?https://t.co/5ysnfefa3d -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan)?February 14, 2017 But here's the rub: the snippet was from an article written by...Piers Morgan, back in?2010 for The Daily Mail Online: So yes - Piers Morgan was the one praising Rowling and listing out all the great things she's done for the world and Great Britain, but STILL decided to wander in and act like the praise was undeserved and tweet at her. Because Piers Morgan is....kinda stupid, and excellent at ensuring he gets owned online, even if that means he has to do it himself. Piers, realizing he'd be caught with his pants down and his dick out and everyone was laughing at him, decided to pull a classic online feud card:?"I Actually Did That On Purpose. I'm Not Mad At All - In Fact, I Find This Funny" Love how many people genuinely think I was 'tricked' by JK Rowling yesterday. They've been reading too much Harry Potter - dumbs the brain. -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan)?February 15, 2017 ...which literally no one believed. Since this, Piers has retreated to the 5 year-old's defense of "SHE STARTED IT!" and the Dumb Celebrity On Twitter's defense of "well I have more followers than you, so I must therefore be smarter!"? a) She started it.?b) You're just sore because I have so many more followers than you.?https://t.co/YZdFTAcwHO -- Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan)?February 15, 2017 So, by Piers' own standards for success, Katy Perry is the best person in the world thanks to her nearly 100 million Twitter followers. Maybe it's time for Piers to log off for a while. read more »
1. Fuckup who bizarrely turned his life around There are lots of people at your high school reunion that are going to make you feel a lot worse about how little you've accomplished since high school - but none sting QUITE as much as the huge fuckup who somehow completely turned his life around. On the one hand, sure - you're happy for Skuzz, the druggie who got kicked out of chemistry for lighting his pubes on fire with the Bunsen burner, somehow ended up a normal, functioning member of society. But on the other hand, you were REALLY relying on Skuzz continuing to be a bigtime fuckup burnout to make yourself feel better. Instead, he came from behind and passed you by (as far as life goes) - he got married, had a few kids (but not too many), and has a REALLY good job working for LinkedIn. He lives out in California and is doing SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU ARE. WHAT THE HELL, SKUZZ?! 2. Couple who instantly got married and had 6 kids Trevor and Bethany were the most solid couple in high school - while everyone else was breaking up or busy giving HJs in the back of the auditorium, they were weirdly stable and having dinner with each other's parents and jokingly calling them "the in-laws" - IN HIGH SCHOOL. Flashforward 10 years: they got married pretty much instantly after graduation and popped out SIX KIDS. He got a job working for her dad's construction company, she stays at home and watches the kids, and it's just SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY (at least, compared to you, whose biggest responsibility is remembering the Netflix password). And the weirder part is that they seem GENUINELY happy? Like, not the fake "I'm dying on the inside but smiling on the outside" happy either - real, actual happiness and contentment. Meanwhile, you're going to be spending the high school reunion trying to convince Kallie Merkowitz to give you an HJ in the back of the auditorium. 3. The struggling actor who is, like, CLEARLY not going to "make it" at this point Being the star of high school drama will screw with anyone's expectations - they always got the lead in the school plays, everyone was constantly praising them, and they were the biggest fish in a very small pond. And after high school they went to LA or New York to make it big, just like your high school drama teacher knew they would! But it's 10 years later now - and if they haven't made it yet (which they definitely haven't), it's over. There's a whole new generation of 18 year olds who are younger, prettier, and somehow have over 60,000 Instagram followers arriving in Hollywood every day, and they are 28 years old with nothing to show for it but a regular improv show they have to beg their friends to attend and some failed attempts at becoming a YouTube star. And now they're back at the high school reunion - where everyone expected them to be a huge star, and they have to hide the fact that they're still waiting tables and keep losing auditions to Jennifer Lawrence. 4. Guy you hated who is now the most successful person ever Ugh, Brad Garrow - total douchebag, picked on the mentally-handicapped kid all the time, and TOTALLY interrupted my solo during choir rehearsal once to call me "Johnny No-Testicles" (like it's MY fault I'm a natural male soprano?). In short, a real piece of shit - and if movies have taught me anything, it's that the douchebag jock bully from high school ends up being a sad, miserable shell of a person AFTER high school, so I can't wait to - SHIT. Of course, Brad Garrow is CRAZY successful. His dad gave him a sweet-ass gig working for his stock brokerage firm and he's managed to not completely fuck it up enough to get promoted to Vice President of something-or-other. And now he's still kinda a douchebag, but one who received NO comeuppance. Back to the Future, HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME? ? 5. The dead guy Hey, whatever happened to Wally Haron? That dude was CRAZY, right? Haha, he would always be pulling pranks on - OH. Oh. Ohhhhh, yeah, okay, he died in that weird boating accident, right. Aw jeez. I wondered why he stopped posting on Facebook...6 years ago. Yeah, so sad, totally. ... So, that's a "no" to heading to the back of the auditorium, Kallie? Cool, cool. ? 6. The guy who lived life PRETTY HARD the past 10 years 10 years really isn't that much time, at least the way you lived it - you had some ups and downs, but nothing that could be made into a gritty HBO documentary. Pat Michaels - however - is a different story: struggled with heroin addiction, meth, alcohol, and spent some time in rehab (although no one is sure if he's clean). Got a messy divorce, rumors of him being abusive, lost custody of his kid. Pretty grim stuff. Meanwhile, you got a PS4 and had a pretty steady girlfriend from ages 24 to...24 and a half. So it's a real reality check when pretty much everyone is still single, slightly scattered across the country, and a little aimless (but with decent enough careers), and then into the conversation walks Pat, who looks a solid 15 years older than everyone else and has the war weary look of Tom Sizemore after a bender. You have to avoid bringing up any of the stuff about his past your parents have told you were the rumors around town and hopefully wait for him to go to the bathroom so you can go back to talking about Stranger Things with Tammy Winterbottom. ? 7. Person whose name you can't remember who got HOT AS HELL Shit - did that person even go to school with us? Everyone is pretty convinced they did, but I honestly have no recollection of them. And I fucked up bigtime in not paying any attention, because HOLY SHIT they got SO HOT. While pretty much everyone else (myself included) got pudgier and rounder, they just got...HOT. They have a rockin' body, a gorgeous face, and know EXACTLY how to dress to make everyone take notice. This is basically like a high school teen movie, except THEY'RE the protagonist and I'm a just douchey side character who has no actual impact on the story. Some good perspective, honestly. ? 8. Your actual friends, who you could have just seen whenever and without dressing up and spending money on tickets to hang around a bunch of people you went to high school with but otherwise don't particularly want to hang around Should we duck out and grab some 40s and head out to Winston Lake? Yeah, Kallie shot down the HJ so there's nothing really holding me here. Let's head out. read more »
How has this not happened yet? Everything I know about Donald Trump suggests that at least 20 dick pics should've leaked by now. From his shameless self-promotion to his propensity for making unwanted advances on women to THE FACT THAT HE'S FUCKING BRAGGED ABOUT HIS DICK IN A TELEVISED DEBATE, there should 100% be at least one snap of his winkie available to the general public. There are only a few possible explanations as to why that's not the case, and here they are: Given the size of his hands, it only stands to reason that other parts of him are small as well. (At least that's what Marco Rubio said. Don't you guys miss the election?) Trump's entire life seems to be one giant dick measuring contest, so if it came out that his member was incontrovertibly small, everything else in his life would fold like one of his bankrupt casinos. All of his braggadocio would be for naught because we'd know he had a teeny weeny. With that in mind it would make sense that he'd go to great lengths to keep his lil' willy under wraps. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Donald Trump has the yugest cock in the whole wide world, and the only reason he's not show his massive hog off is that it's just super weird looking. I mean, think about it. Why should his ding-dang-doodle be any different? I mean, since chances are his fake tan doesn't reach that far down, it stands to reason that his peen is whatever weird ass natural skin color he has that caused him to believe orange was a preferable choice. Don't even get me started on his pube situation. I mean, given what his head hair looks like, god only knows what his bush looks like. Even though he's incongruously proud of everything he's ever done, it makes sense that he wouldn't wanna show off a weirdo dick like that. Unlikely as it may be, I'm willing to concede that there's a slim chance that Donald Trump's wiener it perfectly normal, but if that's the case, why no dick pic? Well maybe it's not Trump's body that's the problem. Maybe the problem is his mind. Would any of us really be surprised if it turned out that the Donald didn't know how to work a camera phone? Before you answer, take a look at this picture: Source: gizmodo That is a confused looking caveman right there. Based on everything we know about the Donald's relationship to technology, it's not that much of a stretch to think that turning a phone upside down and pressing a button is beyond his skillset. Honestly, this one makes the most sense to me because even if Trump's dong is small and weird, he's probably still think it's the greatest dong in the whole wide world. If he can't figure out how to snap a below-the-belt selfie, he could definitely get a guy for that. I think that Donald Trump dick pics are as common as Donald Trump twitter rants, but nobody wants to leak them because that would require admitting to the world that you had interacted with Donald Trump to the point that he sent a dick pic, and honestly who would stoop that low? Imagine being known as the person who unleashed such an image onto the world. There would be no coming back from that. Haha JK ya'll. That's clearly not it. Remember when he had those Russian ladies piss on a bed? ? read more »
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