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Porn dialogue was never meant to be Shakespeare - it's just a means to an end, a way to establish SOME light context to differentiate THIS bang video from every other bang video. But since the main focus is usually the banging, lots of porn movies have wound up with insanely weird and WTF dialogue sequences that were left in simply because no one cared enough to cut them out. All of the below videos are safe for work, in that you won't actually see any nudity...but still, you'll have a hard time explaining to your boss exactly why you're giggling loudly at a dude beggining his nurse to kill him with her genitals. 1. The porn scene about euthanasia There aren't too many topics that I would say are "off limits" for porn, but the concept of euthanasia feels like an odd fit. After all, choosing to end your own life seems like a pretty grim basis for a porn video, but who am I to argue when it actually includes an exchange as incredible as this? Nurse Are you sure you wanna do this? I mean, there's so many reasons to live. Mr. Green Like what? My health? Nurse ?Well, music? Mr. Green ?I listen to goth. Nurse ?Movies? Mr. Green ?I watch porn, which makes me horny, and reminds me I have no one. Nurse ?Children? Mr. Green ?They throw rocks at me. The whole thing is acted surprisingly well (in a very campy way) and it seems like everyone was actually having a lot of fun - I mean, hell, these are the lines that actually lead into all the sex stuff: 2. The infamous "Lemon Tree" opening Every now and then I see this video being shared around, and it's not hard to see why: it's easily the most knowingly WTF porn opening ever. The writers and actors were well aware of how meaningless dialogue and set-up was in porns, so they decided to lean into it HARD - by having a couple not only talking about how great their lemon tree is (to the point of suggesting they get "lemon tree insurance" and wishing they were themselves lemons), but also how "dirty whores" were out to steal all of their lemons. And lo and behold, a "dirty whore" was sneaking behind them throughout the entire video, looking to steal their lemons - and causing the dude who had been gently fantasizing about lemon tree loans a moment ago to angrily scream: 3. The only porn under the "Cartwheels" tag Most of the setup of this is relatively normal for a porn video (again - FOR A PORN VIDEO): a dude has convinced his girlfriend to pretend to break-up with him to trick a random older woman into feeling bad for him so he can have sex with her (all while goofy happy whistling music plays in the background). They do some porn stuff together (wink wink) and then he... Well, you kinda just need to see it: 4. THE SINGLE GREATEST TWIST ENDING IN PORN HISTORY At first, this appears to be some insanely cheap, low-rent porn version of Little Red Riding Hood. And that's exactly what they want you to think, so that you'll never see the M. Night Shyamalan-level twist coming. 5. The worst family-sized pizza ever Theoretically, the premise of this video is that a girl's boyfriend is making a pizza for dinner, with her entire family in attendance (including her parents and grandpa). He talks to the family while he's making it and is WELL-AWARE that they're present. And then...he sticks his dick?through the pizza. And presents it to her ENTIRE FAMILY. Naturally, everyone reacts in horror and the girlfriend's grandpa has a heart attack (and maybe dies?). But the girl sticks behind to give him a blowjob - WITH HIS DICK STILL STICKING OUT OF A PIZZA. read more »
1. Your physical and emotional problems are exploited by publishers who construct articles that seemingly have a positive social message but are also knowingly generating clicks by loudly announcing pics of big ol knockers within, particularly by using noticeably sexualized thumbnails 2. Society has sexualized an aspect of your body and supposedly progressive outlets exhibit faux-empathy while also profiting off of the same objectification 3. Like, maybe 2% of the people who actually click these articles are actually looking for relatable empathetic big boob content. The other 98% are just rando people who wanna see some major hooters and couldn't give less of a shit about whatever positive messaging is going on. 4. If you've got large breasts, you probably already know what your problems are, right? So theoretically these articles are aimed at non-big boobed folks to help them understand the struggles of having larger mammaries. But time-on-site stats pretty conclusively prove that there's no way they're actually reading the text - they're here for pics of big boobs while feeling slightly less shameful than normal. 5. I mean, I guess it FEELS a little more respectable than just going to Google Image Search and typing in "big honkin tatties", but that's the trick: everyone involved knows it's a lie. The person who writes the article knows what crowd they're actually going to get, and the people clicking the article know exactly why they clicked. Hint: it was not to empathize with a fellow human being. 6. Just compare the results for "big boob problems" with "spinal deformity problems." Like, you KNOW which one is going to get more clicks, although people with spinal cord issues deserve just as much empathy and understanding as those with big boobs. If the goal of writing these was simply to put a spotlight on individuals who deserve empathy, there would be an equal amount of results for every kind of problem. And yet "big boob problems" results dwarf pretty much every other major type of problem. HMMMMMMM WONDER WHY 7. Even articles calling out publishers for their cynical, exploitive editorial practices end up with the exact same sins, so long as that calling out article also features sexualized loaded imagery of large breasted individuals. Here's the thumbnail we used, for God's sake: via SI 8. The lesson is, there is no empathy on the internet, only horniness. If you have large breasts and are looking for someone to understand your problems, find an IRL friend or loved one. via Cosmopolitan Although, odds are, they'll probably just be thinking about your mondo melons too. Society has sexualized boobs too far. You will be objectified until the end of time. Sorry. read more »