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So, little news item today: this guy, Donald Trump, was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States of America. Yeah, the guy from Home Alone 2! Kinda crazy, right? Anyways, he gave a pretty standard inaugural address, talking about unity, hope, the word "again" a lot, etc. But one line really stood out to people - where Trump promises to give power back to "the people" (apparently implying that the people had lost their power in our democracy prior to his election), since it was baaaasically exactly the crux of Bane's big speech to the citizens of Gotham in The Dark Knight Rises: Here's Trump's speech: Today's ceremony, however has very special meaning. Because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another.?But we are transferring power from Washington D.C. and giving it back to you... the people. For too long a small group in our nation's capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have born the cost.Washington flourished but the people did not share in its wealth. Politicians prospered but the jobs left and the factories closed. The establishment protected itself but not the citizens of our country. Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs and while they celebrated in our nation's capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land. That all changes starting right here and right now because this moment is your moment. It belongs to you. It belongs to everyone gathered here today and everyone watching all across America. This is your day. This is your celebration. And this, the United States of America, is your country. And here's Bane's: We take Gotham from the corrupt! The rich! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of opportunity, and we give it back to you... the people. Gotham is yours. None shall interfere. Do as you please. Start by storming Blackgate, and freeing the oppressed! Step forward those who would serve. For and army will be raised. The powerful will be ripped from their decadent nests, and cast out into the cold world that we know and endure. Courts will be convened. Spoils will be enjoyed. Blood will be shed. The police will survive, as they learn to serve true justice. This great city... it will endure. Gotham will survive! Of course, there's nothing really inherently wrong with the idea of giving power to the people - except in both cases there's a pretty grim connotation to the phrasing. For Trump, that the people's power had somehow been taken away from them and now he was somehow restoring it (if the people's power in a democracy was taken away, odds are Trump would not have been elected, right?); and for Bane, encouraging anarchy, violence, and mob rule. Of course, none of this really matters, since it's mostly just a fun excuse to make some jokes: The Dark Knight Rises #inauguration 😂 pic.twitter.com/jU9DgaEbN8 -- 👻: trapafasa (@trapafasa) January 20, 2017 You merely adopted the fake spray tan. I was born in it, molded by it. Nobody saw my natural skin colour until I was already President -- ?? Amy Star ?? (@AmyZenunim) January 20, 2017 the problem with the Trump-as-Bane formulation is that the guy who defeats Bane is a law and order billionaire with a rage problem -- Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) January 20, 2017 2016: Melania steals from a Michelle Obama speech2017: Trump steals from a Bane speech2018: Pence steals from an Emperor Palpatine speech -- Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) January 20, 2017 read more »
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Moreso than most people, President Obama has a very good reason for personally disliking Donald Trump and the notion of him becoming President: Trump was the de facto leader of the "birther movement," during which he antagonized Obama for years by lying about having proof that Obama had faked his birth certificate. He spent years trying to de-legitimize Obama's presidency with a ridiculous conspiracy theory based on nothing - so, with his last day in office as President, Obama should totally do something to troll him (that wouldn't have crazy legal ramifications): 1. Resign and Make Joe Biden the President This has been a popular suggestion across the 'net: make Vice President Joe Biden the ACTUAL President for what would be Obama's last day in office. Why? Well, for one, Joe Biden and Barack Obama are BFFs - more than perhaps any other President/VP in recent memory. Joe Biden speaks highly of Barack, often saying that he's his brother, and even gave him this adorable friendship bracelet: Of course, you may have heard that Obama returned the favor (and then some) by bestowing the Presidential Medal of Freedom (with distinction) on his pal/veep recently. So, the two like each other a lot, and it would be a very friendly gesture (probably the nicest gesture POSSIBLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD). But if he REALLY wants to go for it and cement himself as a true BFF, he'll step down from the presidency a day early and invoke the 25th Amendment to the constitution, which would make Joe Biden the 45th President of the United States (for only a day, but still). And while this would mostly be a really nice thing for Joe Biden (who had presidential aspirations of his own before agreeing to be Obama's VP), it would mainly serve as a great troll on Trump.?Donald Trump already has a ton of "45th President" merchandise for himself - but if Joe Biden were to become the 45th, that would make Trump the 46th President, and all of his merchandise would be worthless. And if there's one thing Trump hates, it's people showing disrespect towards his merchandise: 2. Claim Squatters Rights Sure, Obama can't continue on as President after January 20th, but that doesn't mean he has to leave the White House. In Washington DC, you can claim "squatter's rights" and stay on a piece of property for six months before anyone can legally evict you. In the meantime, Obama would likely be restricted from accessing most of the White House, but could definitely annoy President Trump by hanging out in his pajamas and tweeting pics of himself giving noogies to Trump staffers. It would be the funniest case of squatters' rights outside of Dennis Duffy: 3. Get (or Give, the Choice Is Up To Michelle) a Golden Shower In the Lincoln Bedroom You may have heard the unverified rumors that Donald Trump received a golden shower from prostitutes in Moscow, specifying that the sexual act take place in the same room that President Obama and the First Lady had stayed in recently. Of course, these rumors may be completely false and untrue, but one thing is not changed by them: they pissed Donald Trump off (pardon the pun). He doesn't like people mocking him in such a widespread manner, so this story REALLY got under his skin - the point where discussion of it largely dominated his first press conference as President-Elect. What is also not changed is that Barack Obama has good reason to dislike Donald Trump (again, the whole "birther" thing, to say nothing of Trump's political ambitions to under much of Obama's achievements as President). So a fun little thing he and Michelle could do in their final night in the Lincoln Bedroom is to have some piss-filled golden-shower-style intercourse...in a bed they know Trump will be sleeping in soon. Of course, the bed would be washed and cleaned by the White House's cleaning crew (Obama should tip them pretty well if he does this), but Trump will have to sleep in it knowing Obama pissed/got pissed on in that bed. And even if the story about Trump is false, Trump is a notorious germophobe, and being unable to sleep soundly in the Lincoln Bedroom without squirming at the thought of the piss molecules that could be getting on him would make it all worth it. 4. Invite Actual Bruce Springsteen To Play at The White House Trump's Inauguration talent list is looking pretty dire: the biggest act that's been booked is 3 Doors Down, a band that hasn't been relevant since the early 2000s. But things got REALLY embarrassing when the Trump Administration couldn't even manage to book a Bruce Springsteen COVER BAND (called "The B Street Band", a play off of Springsteen's E Street Band). Luckily for Obama, ACTUAL Bruce Springsteen is a big fan of his, and has played for him frequently. So why not really rub salt in the wound of self-proclaimed dealmaker Trump by showing him up and having Bruce Springsteen play at the White House THE DAY BEFORE TRUMP'S INAUGURATION? That might sting a little. The guy who ran for president on his ability to make and close deals could not successfully book a Bruce Springsteen cover band. -- Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) January 17, 2017 5. Say He's From Kenya, Just 'Cuz Just to piss off Trump to the ultimate degree, steal every news headline and conversation by announcing he's a secret Muslim from Kenya the day before Trump's inauguration. Trump's already had to disavow his role in the birther movement, so he wouldn't be able to claim "Hey! I was right the whole time!" AND no one would pay attention to any of the press around his first day in office. All in all, it'd be a pretty fun way to go out. read more »
Dystopian fiction is back on the upswing - from The Hunger Games to The Maze Runner and about a million other young adult movies and TV shows out there, we as a culture are thinking hard about a grim future where the poor are treated like cattle in a grim, unpleasant society dominated by the wealthy and powerful. Luckily for all you dystopian fiction lovers out there, we're actually ALREADY living in a pretty dystopian society! 1. The rich are buying the blood of the young Listen - I can't say with any certainty that this isn't the plot of Divergent, but there's gotta be like a 60% chance that this is exactly the plot of that YA dystopian series, right? As if the metaphor of capitalism turning the rich into vampires who suck the lifeblood from the poor to feed themselves wasn't potent enough, the startup Ambrosia went and made it LITERAL. Yes, for a mere $8,000 (aka "an amount of money that most young people will never see in their lives due to drowning in student loans"), the wealthy can replace their old person blood with the fresh, vigorous blood of a young, desperately poor person! Of course, there's no actual evidence that the transfusions actually have any effect, but it's just nice that old rich people can buy the blood of today's youth. Luckily, billionaires like Peter Thiel have been talking about harvesting the blood of the young to extend their own lives for a while now, so it's only a matter of time before you can sell the liquid that keeps you alive to rich people so you can afford to eat or receive an education! At least we can hope to eventually live out our Mad Max fantasies by getting to be a "bloodbag" for one of the War Boys! 2. We're using humiliating games to celebrate our crumbling educational system Relevant to today's confirmation hearings, public school teachers in Kanawha, WV were forced to participate in a lay-off lottery.?pic.twitter.com/R8mLtIlvP1 -- elizabeth catte (@elizabethcatte)?January 18, 2017 We spend a lot of money as a nation -?on billion-dollar planes that we have no plans on using, for instance. But one thing we simply DON'T have the money for is to pay for public education. Luckily, we've developed a pretty neat solution: an embarassing, awkward lottery system that acts as a fun take on The Hunger Games, except instead of murdering fellow young people for food, you're just losing your job! No joke - this is insane. As if it wasn't bad enough that we were cutting funding for the already underfunded public schooling system in this country, we go ahead and humiliate the teachers by RANDOMLY firing them based on lottery results?! 3. 8 individuals control as much wealth as 3.6 billion people....combined. As time goes on, the gap between the wealthiest and the poorest grows wider and wider...and we've finally reached the point where 8 individual people have the combined wealth equal to the poorest half of the entire world. Yes, that's right - this is some serious District 12 vs. The Capitol shit. The individuals are: Bill Gates (net worth $75bn) Amancio Ortega (net worth $67bn) Warren Buffett (net worth $60.8bn) Carlos Slim Helu (net worth $50bn) Jeff Bezos (net worth $45.2bn) Mark Zuckerberg ?(net worth $44.6bn) Larry Ellison (net worth $43.6bn) Michael Bloomberg (net worth $40bn) None of this is to say (necessarily) that these 8 individuals are somehow at fault - many are extraordinary philanthropists who have dedicated their lives and fortunes to doing public good in the world. But still, a system is in place that has somehow allowed 8 people to have the same level of wealth as 3.6 billion others is, like, Dystopian Future 101 here. At least they can afford A LOT of blood. 4. We're replacing human relationships with holograms It's easy to watch the Joaquin Phoenix movie Her (you know, the one where he really wants to fuck his phone) and think about how absurd the premise is. After all - being in love with an AI? Crazy! Well, except it's definitely not, because society is growing increasingly lonely and introverted to the degree that a company has put out a holographic girlfriend named Azuma Hikari (that functions somewhat similarly to the Amazon Echo) who manages your schedule, gets excited to see you, and literally texts you to see when you'll be home. This is some truly dark, depressing shit. Despite the internet bringing communication and connection to an unprecedented degree (or perhaps due to it), people are feeling more and more disconnected from physical human relationships...and this is the result. Damn. 5. ROBOCOP IS REAL (which sounds kinda badass but is actually sorta terrifying) Paul Verhoeven's 1987 action satire Robocop always felt oddly prescient - and now we know why: because it's finally come to fruition and we all get to see it happen before our very eyes. Naturally drone warfare has escalated to an alarming point, where we're occasionally bombing hospitals and no one really has to take any responsibility because a robot did it - but now, Taser International Inc. is beginning to introduce stun gun-equipped drones to law enforcement officials. You might be thinking, "Well this is fine - they'll only use the stun gun robots on the BAD GUYS, right?" To which I'd respond: "JESUS GO WATCH ROBOCOP!" (or, uh, take a look at every abuse of power ever perpetrated by law enforcement, and imagine if they could abuse their authority with flying electrified robots) Bitches - LEAVE. Drone robots with stun guns, you may stay. read more »